Tuesday, October 4, 2011

yes, there's still good stuff...

Sometimes it's just harder to appreciate though. How sad. I think my brain is just a little warped these days. It will pull itself back into shape sooner or later though...I hope it's sooner.

I'm letting anxiety paralyze me lately. It's so hard knowing that the worries that are consuming me are *not* worth making myself miserable over and yet being totally incapable of stopping it all. And the stupid cycle that I find myself in, the seeming overwhelmingness of everything, the guilt I feel over everything that I'm not getting done...*sigh*

The head-start I'd had with homeschooling prep is fast dissipating and as much as I love homeschooling Gray and Annie, there is a certain resentment over how much of my life it seems to eat up. Feeling that resentment makes me feel guilty. I've opened up both google reader and my email a few times over the last several days and felt so utterly overwhelmed that I've just shut them off without connecting with anyone. And of course, the more emails I fail to respond to and the more posts I fail to read, the guiltier I feel. The one thing I want more than anything right now is to move (I hate our neighborhood so much!), and I have a list of hundreds of little things and big things to do to help that happen. The list leaves me feeling overwhelmed, especially when it seems things get added to it faster than they get taken off. So I feel guilty for feeling so miserable about our living situation when I don't seem to be doing anything to change it. My brain seems to have left town. To the point that it's sort of scary. I know some of it is because I can't sleep. More guilt--if I could just sleep, then I'd be a more productive person.

I know it's counterproductive to hate myself for being miserable, but I can't seem to turn off the ugly voices.

So here we go...a look at how lucky I really am...a glance at the things that are good...a reminder that I have much to be grateful for...

*I put all my canning supplies away until next year. Not that I mind canning. But it is time-consuming. And while I didn't get as much canned this summer/fall as I'd hoped, I did okay:
--12 half pints of strawberry jam
--6 pints of blueberry jam
--6 pints of blackberry jam
--16 quarts of tomatoes
--5 pints of salsa
--35 pints and 7 quarts of applesauce
--1 half pint and 12 pints of apple butter

*Joann.com had their yarn on sale so I ordered some for gifts. It arrived--and there is just something so happy about a box of yarn.

*Today was library day again. Sometimes I think we should just go to the library every day--I just feel less stressed while I'm there.

*We've kept up our Monday night RIP picture book reading since early September. Each of the kids reads a picture book aloud, then I finish up with a chapter from our current read. Last night we started early so we'd have time to watch The Corpse Bride afterwards. Believe it or not, it was the first time I've ever seen that movie. Aren't I pathetic? But hey, better late than never, right?

So how about you? What's your good stuff right now?


DesLily said...

I'm letting anxiety paralyze me lately......ME TOO.
I have a brand new 23 inch touch screen all in one computer..and I could care less. My reading is almost none existant...so... what's good? at least the cat isn't sick! we had two days of low humidity! (but it comes back tomorrow).. there's actually some new tv shows and few reruns!!!!! love Terra Nova and Harry's Law.

Kailana said...

When I am feeling stressed I either go to the library or the bookstore. It makes me feel so much better!

Jean said...

I have two kids who try to make me laugh and put up with me when I can't seem to, like lately. Next week is a year from when my dad died, and I really hope that the trip to Montana to scatter his ashes helps bring some closure. It is good that I miss him, though, because it would be very sad not to. I will feel better eventually, and so will you. Love you!

animewookie said...

:( It sounds like you not only have anxiety but you're depresses as well. Anxiety keeps you awake...the lack of sleep makes you able to do less, which in turn makes you feel guilty and angry, and it doesn't help that you know how damn good your life is and how lucky you are. It's a vicious circle. A doctor recommended Melatonin to a friend of mine and she's sleeping a lot better. It's natural and over the counter. I don't know if it helps, but you're not alone...and it *will* pass. ((Big Hugs)) <3

Heather said...

Ooooo I just want to scoop you up and give you the biggest, hugest, cuddliest hug ever. I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling well. I wish there was something I could do to help you! Channeling good feelings, saying a couple prayers, and agreeing with Kelly (go to a bookstore!) are the best I can do at the moment. Oh, and send all my love! (((Debi)))

Jason Gignac said...

So, did you like Corpse Bride? I'm TERRIBLE about seeing movies, I just never make the time :). I know that frustration about feeling resentful once in a while of the work things take for people you love. Its like, you know you don't really want to not do things for them, just that it crawls up and nips at you sometimes. I don't know. Its a hard balance, certainly not one I'm good at - I just end up getting selfish and and doing nothing at all :D

kreed said...

So since I just finally wrote a response to your other post, I won't bore you with the repetition here. But I will repeat this...

Be kind to yourself. You are enough.

You are one person, girlfriend, and you cannot do it all. As much as the types like us would like to be able to control everything, you simply cannot do it. I understand the guilt. I truly do. And I get consumed by it, too. And I haven't found a good way out either. But I will and you will, too. We just have to let it happen and trust that the way out is not too far down the road. And it is going to be damn fine when we get there.

Hang in there. One day at a time. I am here if you need me.

Trish said...

Oh canning. Scott wants me to do this SO badly. But our produce is expensive and just doesn't seem like it would be worth the time? I won't tell him about all your goodies, though--he'd be SO jealous!

Hope you're having a wonderful day, Debi. :)

Carl V. said...

Ah, that Monday night family event sounds so wonderful. I wish I could teleport in and bring a few picture books along to take part. And of course watching Corpse Bride makes it all the better. Love that movie. Haven't had a chance to watch it yet this year, but I will be doing so soon.

I'm sure you are either sick of hearing this or don't want to be reminded of it, but you have just got to stop allowing yourself to feel guilt about things that don't ultimately matter. The day will come when the kids are grown and you'll have much more time for yourself. Until then you are being a good parent and keeping your priorities straight. While everyone certainly wants to see you on their sites or having conversation with them via email, the truth is that it really doesn't matter. It is okay to just pass on those things when you don't have time. We don't have hurt feelings about it and we don't think you love us any less. We think you are busy. We are too. It is really and truly okay. You have got to stop letting thoughts of guilt and doubt be associated with blogging, email, etc. If it cannot be about fun then it shouldn't be in your thoughts at all. It is okay to cut back, to only pop in once in awhile. It is okay to turn off the google feeds and delete the emails. It really is. You are loved, you are not pathetic, and you have a wonderful family who needs your attention and love and who is much more important that this other peripheral stuff.

Eva said...


I think everyone's said everything I'd say, so I just thought I'd offer you my love and sympathy. I *finally* started escaping the guilt trap a few months ago, when I gave myself permission to stop feeling constantly guilty over mooching off my parents. After all, no amount of guilt would change anything. And sometimes I definitely backslide, but letting go of the guilt has made me life so much lighter and more joyful Debi. So I hope you can figure out a way to make that happen. For me, I literally asked my mom if she thought it was ok for me to not feel guilty. Of course, she said yes, and her reply is something I remind myself of whenever I need to now.